There is something strange about sexuality. On the one hand it is a major part of who we are and on the other hand it is frowned upon everywhere in the world. We all came to being through the sexual act but still we do not talk about sex at all.
Sexuality seems to be something to be feared or to be ashamed of. Sexuality seems to be something that has powers to transform us into someone out of control. Therefore, for most people, sexuality is something that should be contained, banned, controlled or ignored.
It is actually not the whole truth as many cultures actively encourage young married couples to perform the sexual act in order to have babies. The image of a man and his wife, living in a house with their children and pets, is a much desired representation of society.
There is therefore a dualism assigned to sexuality. There is a desired aspect to sexuality and then there is the undesirable side. How can it be that something which is desired by everyone also be ignored by everyone?
When men get together they might talk about their sexual experiences. Women might do the same when they meet during their social time together. The discussions are usually about the kind of sexuality that is not aimed at procreation of the human species.
This “other sexuality”, this out of the baby making category sexuality is what this article is about. Everyone tries to read about this other sexuality. Most people have tried some different sexuality sometime during their lives. No wonder that the sex worker industry is booming and no wonder pornography is the number one searched item on the internet.
The real problem with the “baby making lovemaking” and the “not making a baby lovemaking” is that these two areas of sexuality are not clear entities on their own. Most people have never even thought about “not making a baby lovemaking” except when it comes to buying birth control products.
Birth control products have succeed to postpone the arrival of an offspring or allowed people to have sex more often but still the whole focus was about babies. Not to have the baby now, does not put it into the “alternative love making” category at all.
The unfortunate aspect of the term “not making a baby lovemaking” or “alternative love making” is that it is explained in the negative. It is as if you actively try to avoid pregnancy, as if it is a permanent fear that people live with.
The saddest thing is that people try to make love by trying not to make babies. Men approach women sexually with their genitals but are very absent with their emotions. To be present with your whole being in love making seems to be a sure road to make a baby.
The number of people who experienced conscience baby making act is quite low. The joy that people express when they finally succeed in having a baby after trying for a long time is one of the most beautiful human expressions ever.
Baby making is unfortunately not a full time occupation. A man deposits sperm in the vagina of a woman and his baby making sexuality job is done. The woman who conceived is now excluded (rightly or wrongly) from being actively involved in making love. Somehow sexuality has come to an end. Sexuality has played its role well. This is the “sexuality on ice” point for the pregnant couple.
Is it also the end of sexuality in their relationship? No, it will be repeated when they want another child. Once they have all the children they want, is sexuality then over and done with?
This scenario described above is the desired scenario for major religions. But why will any religion want to keep sexuality on that basic reproductive level? Is there something mysterious happening to people when they have an “alternative sexuality”? Maybe their fears are justified as something does happen to people when they are able to make love for making love sake and not making love for making babies.
People who know how to make love can be defined by some clear characteristics. These people invest much time on making love. They do take time from their daily lives to make love and they do make love for long periods of time. By taking time for love making, they obviously watch much less television, they chat much less with their friends, they do not indulge in empty conversations with people who have now idea about what they talk about and they do grow an own identity about who they are.
To be able to make love there needs to be time. To set time aside and allowing the body to pass time making love without ending it prematurely with something like ejaculation from him or her being frigid, is important. These are dreaded words, ejaculation and being frigid but they are very easy to rectify and to become something of the past.
Ejaculation and being frigid belong to the baby making category of love making. Making babies is just ONE of the options available to people making love. Do you know what else is on the love making menu? Do you know the choices available to you and the options you have?
“Making love” consists out of the following:
a) ample time at hand in a warm, private, clutter free and cosy place
b) no fear of intimacy and letting go of notions of past and future
c) no anxiety about ejaculation and falling pregnant
d) no discomfort when time and space disappears
e) no discomfort when the partners dissolve into one
f) the welcoming of friction free, vibrational multiple-orgasms
g) not awaiting mental orgasms but cherishing being permanently orgasmic
h) a readiness to go through several altered states of being
i) an opportunity to gain a clarity and awareness about your SELF
j) an eagerness to live your specific role in this life to the fullest
“Making love” isn’t a tall order. It isn’t something you have to work for. We have it all already in us. It is our true nature. It costs a lot of time and money NOT to be who we are. It is not about learning, it is about the unlearning of accumulated rubbish of many millennia about our sexuality.
It is only possible to make love when we are not trapped in small mental boxes about sexuality. There is nothing wrong with sexuality; there is something wrong with the containers or holders or owners or carriers of sexuality. The mind is far too small to have any understanding about sexuality; therefore you need your whole being to make love. To make love is not limited to genitals, or minds or bodies; it demands a complete and whole being. Our greatness shows when we are free from the limitations of our minds. These free beings know intuitively how to make love.
Women who are trapped in baby making sexuality believe that a man has to ejaculate or else she was a lousy lover. Men who are trapped in baby making sexuality (without even knowing it) believe that women are only fulfilled when they are mothers. From this limited and restrictive angle on sexuality there can’t be any intimacy or fulfilment.
In making love there is no need to ask your partner how it was for them as you will know because the two of you were one. In making love there is no need to do but to be. In making love there is no need for penetration but for absorption. It is not important what you have done in making love; it is important who you have been during love making.
Religious leaders and politicians fear the possibility that people can be free from small mindedness, free from being gullible. Making love breeds whole people living fulfilled lives. Making love is the most powerful tool we have to express our acute state of aliveness, creativity and joy. Once we have really made love then our aliveness spills over into every deed we do, every breath we take and every moment we do what we have to do on this earth.
Make love and it will set you free from ignorance and you will start living a fulfilled life. People become fulfilled when they do their absolutely unique task in this life, that something that no one else one on this earth can do as well as they can. Should you do it then you, your partner, your family, your community, your state, your planet and your universe will benefit tremendously. If you do not live your life, then all these mentioned parties will suffer as they will also be asleep, in the dark... making more sleeping babies.
Martin (tantra teacher and therapist)